Updated: Nov 17
Today is day eight of waking up feeling happy, content, and overall good, aside from my current sciatica BS LOL. But I genuinely feel really good. I know it's only been seven days, but this feeling is intoxicating, and I want more. The challenge to myself now is, what do I need to do, and what can I do to continue this positive trend? The obvious answer is to rely on my village, which, of course, I will. I have relied on them more recently than I ever have, and I am incredibly grateful for them. Quick squirrel moment: a dragonfly just came and sat on my computer! So, of course, I went to Google to find out what it means, and this is what it says: When a dragonfly visits you, it can be seen as a reminder of the larger roles that small creatures play in the world around us. According to many cultures, seeing one of these iridescent beauties is often taken as a sign of good luck and good fortune. Other meanings of being visited by a dragonfly:
Slowing down and being cautious
Acknowledging prosperity and good luck
Time of transformation
Bringing in light and joy
I will take the transformation from this because, when you think about it, this past month (past few months, according to my boss), I have changed for the better. So, in a sense, I have transformed; rather, I am still transforming. My mind is all over the place this morning, LOL like that is nothing new. This time, though, the thoughts are not of dread or what ifs or anything like that; they are of what I need to get done today. That is an improvement. I am slightly dreading Tuesday and am not 100% sure why. I mean, I know why, but the deeper part of that why is what I do not know. I have to see my ex more; I am choosing to see my ex. I need my house key back and a box to give him. But I am anxious about it. I haven't seen him in a year, damn near exactly a year, to be honest. The last time I heard his voice was last Thanksgiving. Hearing his voice would always calm or excite me, and now, I am honestly not sure what feelings I will have when I see and hear him. Seeing him always gave me excited butterflies. It is not a feeling of dread trying to crowd me, but more of… I don’t know, not excitement or anything like that. I'm unsure how to describe how it makes me feel. I am anxious, that’s for sure. Thinking about it and typing it out, I am scared. I fear that when I see him, all my emotions will return to the surface and cause me to go backward. I love him, and as I've said, a part of me always will, but I need to keep that part from taking over the rest of me as it has done for the past decade. I can't go backward; I can't. Okay, wow, did I stray from the original intent of this post. There is more on my mind than just household chores. I will assume that even though these thoughts are there, the feelings of dread are not, and therefore, progress??!! It is progress, so I'll take it, which means I am healing. I know I will have days where those feelings and emotions overcome me, but I hope that my progress these past eight days will help me not let them overwhelm or overpower me. A cardinal just landed on my sidewalk about six feet from me and I feel an overhelping sense of calmness. Oh my goodness, four more just showed up! All on the ground so close to me and chirping! I am too scared to try and reach for my phone for a picture, lol. But let me tell you how beautiful and absolutely amazing it is to see them so close, just chirping and looking at me. Now they are all at the feeder and wow, now I am crying and not tears of sorrow. I can't even begin to describe what I am feeling right now. Its calm, peace, a sense of relief, they were all just what I needed. Oh my God! I just forgave myself; I just blurted it out loud, no prompting or anything. I JUST FORGAVE MYSELF. That is why they were all here, to tell me that it was okay, and it was time to forgive myself. And if you're asking, what did I just forgive myself for, for not loving myself and for not being kind to myself. WOW, just… WOW.