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Betrayal, Pain, and Closure

I started a blog titled "Closure and Pain" yesterday and discussed the final step I took to close our final chapter. I spoke of the pain I felt in selling OUR family car and how, no matter what I did, it was never good enough for him. I never finished that blog post because something happened that changed every bit of how I felt. I got a Facebook friend request from someone who blocked me for quite some time. So I got curious and went snooping; I never intended to accept that friend request. And while I was poking, I found some things that broke my heart and shattered it to pieces. The same year we said our vows, he was playing house/family, and quite lovingly, I might add, with her. There is no denying what I saw in those public pictures. Between that and the added emotional and mental pain of cleaning out my closet and garage and getting rid of the last of your stuff… I almost broke last night. The pain I felt was so immense and debilitating that I had to use my inhaler and take a Xanax to breathe. It truly feels like the majority of the past decade was a lie. And to be honest, it makes even more sense now as to why I had to stay hidden, why I wasn’t allowed to exist, and why everything had to be kept such a secret. My boyfriend, yes, I said boyfriend as it's official now, made me tell him last night, and might I add how supportive and motivating he has been through this whole ordeal. From my car being in the shop to buying a new car and cleaning out my closet and garage, he has motivated and supported me, and most importantly, he has validated me and my feelings. He hasn’t made me feel guilty for feeling this way or bringing all this up. And he thanks me for sharing it all with him! Anyway, he got a little heated with what I told him, and we discussed it. He didn't say "I'm sorry" and said nothing else; he said, "I am so sorry you had to go through that. But you are stronger now, and look at how far you have come. Don't stop and go back now; use this to continue moving forward." Okay, I've decided to paste the blog I started yesterday; it is raw and full of anger and pain. Why does it hurt so much? It's a good thing, so what the hell? I bought a car on Thursday night, literally one day after getting the Dodge back from the shop. Because it was OURS, that’s why it hurts. It was supposed to be our family car. It's hard to have a family car with no family. Don't get me wrong, it was a reliable and excellent car and fit my needs for what we (my kids and I) needed. But after he vanished and showed no effort, desire, or anything to return, it became an emotional… I don’t know; looking at it, sitting in it, and driving it hurt. I had to get rid of it; the pain was too much. Now that it's gone… I cried myself to sleep last night. That was the final link between him and me, and it's gone. It was pretty shitty on his part to not even let me know he signed the papers; the dealership had to tell me. I even sent him a "Thank you" message that went unread for several hours, followed by a "thank you" email that he did respond to. Why does this hurt so much? I'm sitting on my front porch, doing my morning ritual, and on the verge of tears. WHY? I gave him ten years (technically 11, but this last year I pulled away), rearranged my life and my children's lives so that my career path aligned with his, and kept him closer to his children. But it wasn’t good enough. Nothing I did for him was good enough. I'm NOT going to say that I wasn't good enough, because damnit, I know I was; I was more than good enough. I gave him so much of me and my children for ten years; he just cast us aside like a piece of moldy bread. I miss my best friend so incredibly much. Teresa is heavy on my mind today, and she's all I want right now. I want to tell her and show her how far I've come, what I've done. I want to hear her voice telling me, "Love ya bitch" and "I'm proud of your ass." You were taken way too soon; you had such a full life ahead of you. God, I miss you so much. The pain I am feeling is great today; it's been a while since it's felt like this. I know selling our car was meant to be closure, and I feel like it is, but the pain is still great. It’s the end of our chapter; I won't say the end of our book because that translates into the end of everything, so it’s the end of our chapter. I want to continue writing my book, be happy and free, and have fun. I am proud of myself for finally ending this chapter and having the strength to do so. I

am proud of myself for finally being able to buy a vehicle BY MYSELF. That has taken

me a long time, but I could finally do it. Today was also bittersweet. Matt came over

and helped me clean and rearrange my garage. I still have some to do once bulk trash

comes; once it does and the last few things are moved, Bianca (my new car) can fit

comfortably in my garage. There it is all, my raw emotions from yesterday before I saw the other stuff. I will not react, respond, or shove it in his face. As gratifying as that might be at the time, I need to stay strong and be the bigger person. I need to completely 100% MOVE ON and continue living my life being and having fun. I have a cardinal visiting me this morning. It’s the brightest one I think I have ever seen. It just kept staring at me, jumping from branch to branch, and the tree closest to me hopped to the ground and started hopping towards me. It got about five feet away and just stared at me, moving its head from left to right, and then it chirped and flew away. I know that was you, Teresa, and it meant the absolute world to me. I love you, girl, and I miss you so much. Thank you for visiting me this morning; it's just what I needed.

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I hate that you are going through this but what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger. I am proud of you for embracing the suck and staring at it in the face. This pain and phases are only helping you face the grief so you can move forward in life.

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