Heartfelt Heartache

I have so much on my mind, more than normal for me; well, that's what it feels like. I am hoping that by the end of this post I will have a catchy title, if I do, know that when I started typing, I didn't have one. I am not even sure what direction this post will even go in, at the moment, I honestly do not have an inkling.

I am angry. I am heartbroken. I am frustrated. I am scared. I am scared for the world that my kids are growing up in. I'm sure, that those with their own kids feel the same after yesterday. All of the school shootings hurt, but this one, it hit too close to home for me. Someone that I consider family, my brother, and uncle to my kids, his close friends and neighbors lost their children; he is grieving, his family is grieving and all I can do is offer prayers and strength and support. That entire community lost so much, and our whole state is rallying around them in support and love. But why isn't that making any of this better? Because they were children. They were innocent children.

Before I continue, as I am now seeing where my mind is going tonight, I will not under any circumstances discuss politics, conspiracy theories, gun rights or anything along those lines (or close to it) in my posts and I will not tolerate any of it in my comments, in fact, I am pretty sure I will be turning the comments off for this one tonight.

It is taking every bit of strength that I have to keep myself from breaking down. Sending my kids to school today, I was a nervous wreck. Granted the school district my kids are in took extra precautions and had additional law enforcement present, but why? Why are our own children having to go through this and being scared to go to school!? Let me add that my kids were not scared to attend school today and got upset with me when I mentioned that I wanted them to stay home. Both of my kids are so strong, and I am so proud of them, and not just because of their decision to want to go to school, but; I will admit that their strength helped ease my mind a bit. No matter what and, like I told them both last night, it doesn't change the fact that I am going to worry, and I did, that's part of my job as their mom. Again, WHY?! Why are our kids having to grow up like this? I know when I grew up, we never had to worry about this. Each place is different, and each person is different, but I am only talking about where I grew up.

I remember barely locking the doors. I remember being outside for hours and hearing my dad's booming voice when it was time to come home. I remember seeing shot gun racks with shot guns in pickup trucks parked in my school parking lot. I do remember having bomb threats, we had two actually, back-to-back. Looking back on those bomb threats, I'm shaking my head at the fact that the school principals thought it was a good idea to put us in the bleachers at the football stadium, which was maybe 10 yards from the school for the first threat. The second threat was made on the same day but stated it would happen on May 5th. I did stay home that day, and on the day after, I remember standing out at the end of our driveway waiting for the bus with my knuckle head cousin who was proudly wearing a homemade t-shirt that said, "I survived Cinco de Mayo".

Things are so different now. We all always say that we want our kids to have the lives we never had, or to have the things we never had. I am only speaking for me when I say this, my childhood wasn't bad, especially not to where I want to give my kids the life I never had. If anything, I want to give my kids the life I had and more. The laughter, the fun, the love, the adventures, that is what I want to give my kids, the extra stuff is just that, extra. Of course, as a mom, I am going to think I am not giving them enough, but if you ask my kids, they would (honestly) tell you they are happy and loved and having fun.

But my heart still aches. My heart aches for those moms and dads that no longer get to hold their child, or kiss their cheek, or tell them they love them. They no longer get to hear their child laugh, see their smile, watch them play a sport. There is so much hatred in our world right now and I truly do not know where it comes from. My generation (again, speaking in regard to me) was not raised to hate, so why are our kids full of so much hatred? Hatred is a learned behavior; racism is a learned behavior; who is teaching our kids that this kind of behavior is acceptable!?

We need to do better; we have to do better. Our kids deserve better; and they deserve a world that won't be destroyed by so much hate.

(Told you I'd have a catchy title by the end)