Updated: Sep 4
So a few weeks ago, more like a few months ago, I blogged about missing you and if I should move forward or wait. And with yesterday's blog post, Self-Refection, you can deduce that I decided to move on. A lot went into my decision; it wasn't just on a whim, and it is important that I share that with all of you. I don't want this to be an angry I'm blasting your post, which is not my intent, and I don’t want it to be that way, but I will let the words flow and see what happens. You had my heart for the better part of a decade. We met by happenstance and never looked back. In the beginning, we had so much fun getting to know each other, traveling around Texas for work, little mini-trips on a random weekend. You became a father figure to my children that they desperately needed (on your own). You were there for us and us for you. We fit; we molded right together and just fit. We were all happy, but it all changed after we said our vows. That one day changed the rest of our relationship and lives, which is why, in my opinion, we are here now. And due to the nature of the incident, and it not being mine, I am not going to go into detail about it, except to say that he put his kids first, as he absolutely should have. But that day changed you and us, allowing your ex to manipulate you even more and use that day against you. That day affected both of us, as a couple and separately. No matter how hard I tried, for the next five years, it wasn't enough to help you pull through. The amount of manipulation and abuse she did to you, for lack of a better word, ruined us, and looking back, that was her intent all along. In the end, she won; she got exactly what she wanted: you miserable doing whatever she wanted you to do, your money, your time, and your devotion to your children. That doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad father (like she still beats into you). You are an amazing father; your kids see it, and that is what matters, not what she beats into you or makes you believe. Your kids know the sacrifices you make/made, and they see it; whether you see it or not, they see it. I do not hate you; I don't think I ever could hate you. Am I disappointed, absolutely, but more so due to how you handled it and how you just pulled away. It wasn't even a subtle pull away; you just… vanished. That is where my anger for you lies the most, I think. You literally just vanished. My kids love you so much and so deeply, and you just vanished without saying a word to me or them. My son feels abandoned by you, and you did abandon him. He looked to you as a father figure that he wanted and needed. He has every right to hate you and be angry with you, and for now, I am going to allow him to have those feelings. I will not invalidate them to make you feel better. Seeing how this affected him breaks my heart into millions of little pieces because he did not deserve that, especially from you. As I sit here and reflect on us and how it affected not only me but my children as well, I feel even more confident in my decision to move on. I think I was slowly talking myself into it since this original post, but when my counselor gave me that homework, and my friends talked me into it and dared me to sign up for that dating app, that was just the push I needed. Added to the fact that you again stopped talking to me for two straight weeks… I didn't reach out because I was tired of always being the one to reach out and make the effort. The last five years have been me making every effort, putting all my energy into our relationship. I was exhausted, mentally and physically exhausted. It was affecting my job and how I was at home, and I started to slip back into depression. It became such a struggle to keep my head afloat; I could feel myself drowning, and I was desperate to stay afloat. I wasn't in a good place, and something needed to change. I was desperate for change, craving change, and at the time, I didn’t care if it was good or bad; I just needed a change. My counselor, best friends, and new boss, who is now like my best friend, pushed me, supported me, and helped guide me to make that change, and I did. I think this post is more about closure for me than anything else. You had my heart for a better part of a decade, and sitting here thinking and writing this post, you will always have a piece of my heart. I know that if even one thing would have been different, if you were stronger, or if I was, things would be different for us. Our love for each other is there and always will be, which I know to be true. But that doesn’t mean I should hold onto the thought or hope of us and let myself drown in the process. You made me a better person; whether you know it or realize it or not, you did. I've grown and know the love that I can give and the love that I deserve. I love you, and I always will. Thank you for the years we had, for the memories, the experiences, and the love. You will always have a piece of my heart.