It has taken me days to write this blog post. Why is that? My heart keeps having my mind wander back to when times were good, to the happy and loving moments, and I am finding myself getting lost in those moments. I am struggling with this because I'm unsure if I should be. My counselor wants me to focus on myself and the kids and try to move on because I/we deserve better. She is right, of course, but at the same time, what if we just needed this little "break" to come back together stronger? I know exactly what my counselor would say, "Liz, you've been saying that for the past five years." She is correct; I have been. If you are wondering what exactly I am talking about, these are my beginning thoughts days after starting this blog. I am a bit of a mess right now. Do you miss someone? I’m not talking about “awe I miss you”; I’m talking about the “I miss you so much it hurts, and I can barely breathe.” They don’t have to be a past or current lover, just anyone. That’s foolish to say, now that I think about it. But then again, every person is different. I am talking about missing the other half of my soul and heart. No, this person did not pass away; they are still alive and well, just not…here. There isn’t any ill will towards this person or them to me (that I am aware of), and we didn’t grow apart; our priorities grew apart, leading to us… just not being together. And it sucks like it sucks big time. It wasn't even like we fought a lot about our priorities or anything dealing with the future; that stayed aligned for the better part of a decade, and to be honest, what he needed from me, he refused to ask for or even let me give. He desperately wanted to give me what I needed from him but felt he couldn’t. Granted, the most significant antagonist in our story was and still is his ex. I saw, felt, and dealt with him being manipulated and his kids constantly used against him. It was so much, and so beat into him that it eventually broke us down, which led to our priorities growing apart, which led to him almost breaking. The love is still there; I can feel that in my heart and our conversations. I am hurt and heartbroken, I won't even attempt or try to hide that fact, and I think he is too. But where do we go from here? That may be the age-old question. Do I/we continue to wait and live our lives as they are? Do we fight to bring us back together, or do we finally acknowledge that we cannot move forward and let each other go? Do I listen to my heart or my head? Or, for that matter, my counselor? I am focusing more on me and my kids and trying not to let the emptiness I feel from him not being here consume me, but it is not easy. Added to how my heart feels, my kids, especially my son, also feel it. He told me the other day that he was the closest person to a father figure he has ever had, and he is angry and has every right to be. He is angry because (these are his words) he sees how heartbroken I am, and he took us off his priority list and never said goodbye or anything; he just vanished. He feels betrayed and that he isn't good enough to have a father figure in his life, which, holy hell, did that hurt. It wasn't a jab at me; he made that very clear and also that he doesn’t blame me. But he is angry, so angry. I think some of that anger is towards himself for feeling like it's his fault, which it 100% is NOT. Seeing and hearing how he feels makes me angry at myself for allowing him to be hurt, and to be completely honest, it wasn’t that I allowed him to be hurt, I didn’t have any control over that, but I am still angry at myself because I should have been able to do something. Am I holding on to the idea of what we could be? Or am I holding on to what I know we will be? Nothing is perfect, so I won't say that word, but when we are together, we all fit. We flow together; we mess; we are a unit, a functioning family full of love and laughter. I am by no means saying that I have put and will put my life on complete hold for him. I have made my home my own and even moved his stuff into the garage (the little bit he had here). The kids are doing the same, and honestly, they don't even ask about him anymore; I feel that is because they don't want to upset me. Which is sweet, and my daughter is always trying to protect me, she has such a big heart full of love, but at the same time, there is a missing piece, a void that we all want to be filled, but no one is talking about it anymore. I am unsure if that is healthy or if we are just, I don’t know, protecting each other from the pain it might cause if we talk about it. Again, where do we go from here? It feels like there is a hole inside of me that desperately needs to be filled to complete me. I am not saying that I cannot continue without him; that is not it at all. I can and have and will be fine without him, and so will my children. I/we do not need him. But my heart wants him so desperately.
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