Mother's Day Thoughts

I am determined to finish this blog. My counselor mentioned yesterday that she thinks (it is now Thursday after Mother's Day) I am struggling to write because of a fear of upsetting my coworkers/boss, causing writer's block. And I chuckled when she said that because of what I wrote a few days ago (read down further). It makes sense, and she also brought up that the stuff going on at my job is hurting my mental health, and it's causing me not to be able to work through what I need to. Again, she is not wrong. It is putting an extra strain, added stress, you name it, on me; I cannot be myself; I have to change who I am to accommodate them, which isn't fair. I do get that sometimes adjustments need to be made, but forcing someone to change who they are because you don’t like them/or how they do things is not how it works. Compromise is needed, as well as communicating, working together, and identifying strengths and weaknesses. I need to try and find a way to get through to them, to work through this, and again, I can hear my counselor in my head, "Liz, it doesn’t always have to be you fixing everything. I know that is who you are, but there are some things that you cannot fix, and this might be one of them."

I think I will end this here; I feel good about this one and hopeful for the next. I need to get my groove back.

Once again, I started this post yesterday and didn’t finish it, lol. As always, I will leave my original thoughts and continue… from the top.

I really cannot describe the way I am feeling right now. There is pain, anger, frustration, sadness, heartache, and some joy and pride. Oh, let's not forget some betrayal in there as well. I think that is what is overpowering everything else. As I have said countless times before, if I am wrong, let me know AND show me how/where I am wrong so I can learn how not to do it again. I am a big enough person to know that if you can show me I am wrong, I will accept, acknowledge, and learn from it. I have thick skin and can take and receive constructive criticism. It's not even about having thick skin; I don't know what it is about.  I know there is nothing wrong with being wrong occasionally as long as you learn from it and accept it when you're proven wrong. There is no reason to get upset or internalize it when someone shows you that you are wrong, as long as they are not a d!ck about it.

Happy Mother's Day to all the deserving Mother's out there. You are seen, you are heard, and you are doing an absolutely fantastic job.

I've been thinking a lot and going through a lot, and I have been racking my brain as to why I am having the hardest time writing a blog. Since January, well, August, really, but we'll start with this calendar year; it has felt like I (and my kids, too) have been going through hell—both at home and work. I may have figured it out… part of me is scared of receiving retaliation, which should be ridiculous when you think about it. However, it is not ridiculous at all if you think about it. This blog is a way for me to express myself and my feelings and share my struggles and triumphs; this blog has helped me in many ways, and suddenly, I am scared of retaliation because of what I say in my blogs.  Those who know know, and those who don't know don't know. The problem lies with the ones who know, well, certain ones who know. They feel like what I am doing is defamation, even though I only use names when I have written permission, and the same goes for initials. If you see names or initials, I've received written permission to use them; otherwise, I will never put someone specifically out there like that. I am not vindictive; I am using this blog, as I have said repeatedly, to express myself.

So, what exactly is retaliation? According to Google, it is "the action of harming someone because they have harmed oneself.": revenge:  Let's try and break this down a bit because I am expressing how I am feeling by describing what I have been going through (yes, publicly), never using names unless given permission to; that is giving specific individuals the right to retaliate. You could argue that I have "harmed" them (hurt their feelings) by explaining the situation and expressing how it made me feel and how I am still feeling; I'll give you that. Was it intentional? Nothing I ever write is deliberately intended to harm someone else, nor will it ever be. Again, I AM NOT VINDICTIVE. Even after being pulled into an office, having the door closed, and being yelled at and attacked for something out of my control and accused of sneaking around, when in fact I wasn't and was trying to tell all these individuals to stop coming directly to me for stuff (I will add that SOME THINGS I could have handled better, and I did acknowledge that and apologized for it).  I've tried for a month to write about it, to say how it truly made me feel, but the more I write about it, the more hurt and angry I become, and I know that getting it all out will help; I know that. And for me, it's not just writing it out but publishing my blog; why does that make a difference? The best answer I can give is because putting it out there for everyone to see validates me. I seem desperate for that, and I am not saying that to be selfish or conceited; everyone's love language is different, and for me, words of affirmation and validation are mine.

We lost our beloved Zeus on May 2nd. He was 12 and a half. He was the best dog I've ever known; he lived a full and wonderful life and gave us the best of memories. I feel so blessed to have been there when he took his first breath and his last. We also lost our Ginger on March 7th. She had just turned 12 in January. We rescued her when she was six months old. This year has definitely been a challenging one for us.