As I sit here this morning, with my wonderful and glorious cup of coffee, my mind keeps drifting, almost like a traveler who isn't sure where he wants to go. Even sitting here with no distractions (except my adoring dogs and cats), I am finding it more difficult to bring my focus back to what I want it to be on. When I initially started this blog, what my intent was, I wanted to share my experiences and how I coped and got through in order to maybe help someone else who is going through a similar type of situation. That is not really how it is exactly going. I am absolutely sharing my experiences, but I am noticing more that sharing with you all has become my way to cope and get through, and sometimes sharing how I coped. It has really helped me in more ways that I could have imagined and for that I am extremely grateful to you all, but; a part of me feels like I am failing you all a bit. I may feel that way some days, but I also feel like sharing what happened and where I am today gives you all hope that you too, can get through it.
Instead of finishing the thought above, I stopped to start something else, almost a month ago (LMAO). I tend to do that constantly while I am at home. I really think I have ADD, as often as I start one thing and jump to the next. What is odd though is that I don't really do that with work. At work, I can multi-task and I stay focused on one thing at a time if needed; very rarely do I squirrel.
Let me get back on topic for a bit. I am toying with the idea of doing a true daily blog, but when I think about it more, what do I have to offer? It's not like my life is exciting or anything. I don't travel or really go anywhere. I get up, go to work, come home and that’s it. Then I think, does it really need to be fascinating? This blog has truly become my way of coping with what is going on in my life. It has become my outlet, a way for me to get my thoughts out, and in turn, also a way to hopefully connect and help others. I am actually toying with a few different ideas. This blog, obviously, is always going to be here, but adding a small daily snippet of my life; completely switching it up to focus on coping mechanisms; writing a memoir (which I've already made significant progress on), and finally, and most recently, writing a fantasy novel. My heart is leaning more towards keeping this blog the way it is, but adding a small snippet of my daily life and focusing on my fantasy novel; or maybe it’s a fiction novel? I feel like I don't really know the difference between them. But I have started working on it and have a chapter already completed, and I really, really like where it's going. I've always loved writing, I do it all the time, in the form of journals and writing little "stories" back and forth with my life. But this blog has opened me up to so much more. I have found a new passion and I am absolutely loving it! Now, don't get me wrong, there is a big part of me that doesn’t think my memoir or novel would ever get published and be successful, and to be honest, I am ok with that. Those are not my intentions at all. I simply want to write and share it with y'all.
The next day… I feel like, for some reason, that this post is going to be never ending LOL. Honestly, there is nothing wrong with that, it makes it more real, in my opinion.
To continue; I truly feel that writing is becoming my absolute best way to cope. I am able to get everything I am feeling down on paper (or computer) and it does make me feel better. When I go back and read it, that also helps. I am able to reassess the situation that caused me to feel that way and it helps me validate my own feelings and for me, that is a huge step. By validating my own feelings, in a sense, it helps me heal. Especially if I am writing about a past trauma. From that, the best thing I have learned is that, forgiving the person who caused the trauma heals YOU. It is not for them; it is for you. The person responsible for your trauma doesn’t even need to know that you’ve forgiven them and for a long time I was skeptical of that, because "how can forgiving the person who caused my trauma help heal me?!" It actually made me angry. But then I learned that that a lot of my trauma lived in my heart, it was pain, it was betrayal, it was disbelief, it was anger, and anger was the biggest one of them all. My counselor helped me realize and to understand that holding onto all that pain, betrayal, disbelief and anger was keeping me from actually healing and moving on, and that forgiving was the key to healing. But forgiving is a hard pill to swallow, I know for me it was. It took me a long time to get to a place that I could actually say "I forgive him". I won't ever say it to his face, but I don’t have too. Me saying it out loud, typing it out, was all I needed. Once I did, the peace that I felt immediately was astounding. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that I am 100% healed from it all. There are still triggers and I still have some episodes, but they are less and less. I can recount what happened and not completely break or shut down, I feel more at peace now that I ever have.
Find what works for you as a coping mechanism and stick with it. Forgiveness is the key, it's not absolute, but it is the key. Love yourself, first and foremost.