I have been deep in thought all day and my heart is heavy, and I am not sure why. Maybe deep down I do, but not on the surface. I lost my grandmother about two months ago, and even though I have been, more or less, preparing for her to pass (she was 105 after all), it still hurt. What probably hurts more is the fact that I wasn't able to go home, to be with my family, during the funeral. She was such a wonderful and amazing person, but it had been a few years since I was able to go home and visit with her. In all honesty, I don't feel like that is it. Maybe it has nothing to do with anyone passing, I'll be all the gladder if that is true, the good Lord knows myself and my family have had a rough couple of years. But, since I brought up this topic, I might as well talk about and explore it further. This blog has definitely been a positive coping mechanism for me, and I am so grateful that it has.
Something that has always made me stop and think is the saying "I would die for you/them". In my opinion, that is something a Soldier or warrior should say, not something that you said say to someone you love. Wouldn't it mean more to say, "I will live for you/them"? When you think about it, wouldn't living for someone mean more than dying for them? A Soldier or warrior fights and defends a people, so therefore, as part of their oath, they swear to protect and defend at all costs. As a Soldier and a mother, I would in fact die for my children and family, but; I will live for them first and foremost. I think that it's important for the ones we love to know that we would rather live for them, because, when you truly think about it, wouldn't you rather spend time with someone you love? Rather than say goodbye at a funeral?
A lot has happened in my life the past few years, and lately I have been reflecting on it a lot. I look back and see where I was and where I am now and where I want to be. My biggest take away from looking back on the past few years is how much I didn't live for my loved one, mainly my children. More than anything, I should be living for them, and for a time, I admit that now, I lost sight of that. It took some major tragedies in my life to open my eyes to the reality that I was losing myself and not living for my children. Isn't that how it always seems to go though? Why does something bad need to happen for us to realize what we have right in front of us?