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Yikes!

I figured it out, I think. Have you ever had a dream so disturbing that it just completely messed you up?? I normally don't remember my dreams, like ever. But last night I did, and it woke me up in cold sweats and in a serious panic attack. I remembered some of it, or thought I did, but brushed it off and rolled over and was able to go back to sleep. But now, holy cow do I remember it and vividly and I am back in a panic. I think that maybe I have been having similar dreams and just not remembering them and that's why the past few nights I haven't been able to sleep and why sometimes I have been waking up with cold sweats. That is the only thing that I can think of, to be honest. I will be calling my doctor's office this morning when they open though, just to get some labs done and make sure there is nothing else going on. Thank goodness I have counseling this morning, maybe she can help me figure this out, it really has me messed up right now. (Some background to start) My ex (son's bio father) did some horrific things; I managed to survive and thrive; it's been 15 years. I start working on a memoir, been in counseling for years, I'm able to talk about, in detail, what happened. Not every single thing, but the one my incident my sessions have focused on. At first, it's hard, but then I was finally able to finish that part and move on to the next without any issues. Then I noticed that I was waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, almost like a severe panic attack, my mind is racing, my heart is pounding; but yet, I wasn't able to remember if I had a dream that caused it. I'm actually able to calm myself down, roll over and go back to sleep. This goes on for about a week, then suddenly, I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for the day, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered the dream and my anxiety immediately sky rocketed. My heart was pounding, my mind was going a million miles a minute, my palms were sweating; I was having a panic attack. Thankfully I had a session with my counselor a few minutes later (this all happened this morning). In my dream, I am on a farm with my son's father and his whole family. It was so vivid that I could smell the horses, the fields, the smell of leather, I could feel the grass beneath my feet. They were producing something, I'm not sure what, that I don’t remember, but I remember forgiving him for everything he did, like EVERYTHING. If that wasn't bad enough, I took him back, like completely took him back. We went horseback riding, I helped tend to the animals on the farm and spent time with his family; I played with the kids, his nieces and nephews; I was legit happy in the dream. The last thing I remember is my daughters faither showing up, getting down on one knee and asking me for forgiveness and then to marry him. I was all alone and no longer on the farm at that point, in fact, I have absolutely no idea where we were. Thank goodness I don’t remember anything more after that. When I talked it through with my counselor this morning, she thinks, and I agree, that since I am almost forcing myself to relive my trauma's by writing my memoir, I am finally able to heal from them and this dream represents that healing. By forgiving him, I am no longer holding onto it and letting it run and dictate my life. Which, that is huge and what I want, but why on earth did I have to have that kind of dream about it?! It blows my mind and still raises my anxiety. Although I do agree and think that it does mean, in a way, that I forgave him, the context of the dream I think is what bothers me. Why did it have to be like that? Why did I have to be happy with him? I can forgive and seemingly forget, but that dream… I just don’t know. What do you think my dream means? Do you agree with my counselor, or do you think it means something else?


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