I miss my best friends so much; my heart feels like it's breaking all over again. Both R.C. and Teresa would have my back and support me without a second thought. They wouldn’t hesitate to be here for me. Knowing Teresa, she would make the 5-ish-hour drive up here to ensure I was okay and that my kids were okay, and she would even stay here if I needed to go to school or training or whatever. SHE WOULDN"T HESITATE. Neither would S.C.; she would hesitate long enough to ensure she packed her essentials, LOL. I miss them so much that it's hard to breathe at times. Out of the three, there is only one that is left. S.C. and I didn't have a falling out, per say, I think we just drifted apart. I know I have been a terrible friend to her. I don't check up or in with her like I used to. She called and gave me updates a couple of weeks ago, and I had to rush off the phone and never called her back. I got so wrapped up in work that I truly forgot. But I still haven't called her back. Why? One, because I feel guilty for being a terrible friend, and two, she is also dealing with a lot, and I don't want to add what I am going through to her stress. I get like that a lot. That’s why I haven't been talking to M.W. as much. I don't want to burden him or anyone, really. But at the same time, I am desperate for someone to ask me, "Are you okay?" And I don't want that question to come from people who ask me daily how I am holding up; I need it to come from work, from the ones who should ensure I am okay. I need that so desperately right now. I hate going to work. The atmosphere has changed so much that you can feel the toxicity in the air. I told K.K. the other day that you know the atmosphere is terrible/has changed when no one wants to go to lunch with the bosses; she agreed.
I know that Teresa is looking down on me from heaven, and I can hear her say, "B*itch, dust yourself off, hold your head up high, and show them whose balls are bigger!" She would also say, "Pray, breathe, cry. Take it one day at a time. It's ok to break down in private, but your babies need to see you strong and with your head held high. You got this; I love ya, girl." I can hear her voice in my head; sometimes, I can feel her presence. I miss her so much that I am sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks as I write this.
And R.C., I keep going back through and re-reading my blogs and seeing how much he helped me grow and heal, how he was there for me, how he made me feel, and then I go back and re-read some of our texts. The way he motivated me, the way he understood me, the way he saw me… lover or not, no one has ever been there for me the way he was. I can hear his voice telling me that I got this and can do this. I hear him tell me how proud he is of me for making it through the day. HE SAW ME! No one has ever taken the time to see ME, and It breaks my heart and makes all this so much harder. When I see his snaps, I smile because he seems happy, and that’s all I want for him; he deserves that so much. He deserves the world, and if he finally found that, with all my heart, I am so proud and happy of and for him. I would give anything to receive a "wyd" text from him.
S.C., goodness, I miss her. Our conversations, how we could turn something serious into a comedy act. How one word from each other told us exactly what was going on, same with the looks, lol. Our lives, or more my chaotic life, pulled us apart. I need to be a better friend, but I don't know how, especially when I am struggling so much. Why would I burden her with my struggles? I know she would smack me upside my head for saying that, but the place my head and heart are right now, that is what I feel. If she knew what I was dealing with at work right now… lol. I know exactly how that conversation would go, and it makes me smile and cry at the same time.
No one can compare to these three. My circle of friends has gotten so small that I feel I no longer have a village. When I sit and think about it, there are only a few who I can trust and know would be there for me. My friendship with them is nowhere near what it was with Teresa, R.C., and S.C.; these were/are once-in-a-lifetime friends, rare diamonds in the ruff ;).
My heart aches for them, my son, my daughter; for me. But I don't know how to trust anyone else; I don’t know how to let anyone else in. My CSM told me last night that, with everything going on (I told him everything), my ability to not let it show at drill is impressive and commendable. He would have never guessed I was going through anything if I hadn’t told him. He said I carry myself with strength, pride, respect, and a true leader. I told him that the smiling and laughing me at drill is all an act because I am in a dark place right now, and putting on a show at work and drill is only to keep the questions at bay. He asked me how I was able to do that, my response. "Because I am a single parent, and I don't have a choice. I don't get to break down or have a bad day; I'm not allowed to be emotional or show emotions other than happiness. Because that is how the Army trained me to be." When we left drill last night after everyone else had gone, he said to me, "What I have seen of you, how your Soldiers talk about you, as well as those who are not your Soldiers or even Soldiers within this organization. You are one of the best leaders I have ever come across in my career. Keep your head up and continue to drive on. Please don't be ashamed of yourself for breaking down occasionally; its good it's the soul."
