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My Struggle and Apology to You

So, it is officially day three of trying to write this post. I cannot get my thoughts to cooperate. But, in all honesty, who can? Right now, my life is one medical appointment after another, with counseling thrown in every week. I am tired, so freaking tired. I am tired of not having the support I thought I had and did have at one point (I think?), I am tired of being accused of having favors done for me (when I have proof there was none) and of going through all this alone. I have my mom and my sister-in-law, but they don’t live here, so their support is different. It helps, and I appreciate it, but it's not the same as if they were physically here. I have M.S. and M.W.x2, and to an extent, I have K.K.; they are my sounding boards and confidants. But here, at home, where I need it the most, I have no one, and it is a serious struggle. Everyone at work thinks everything is fine because I am smiling and laughing, but it's fake. I don't even want to go to work anymore; the atmosphere isn't the same.

*Side squirrel note: Twinky has the zoomies this morning and is using my bed as a trampoline.

I did a rant post the other day, I just needed to get some things out and published it. I am waiting for backlash; I know I'll get it. And maybe I deserve it; I don't even know anymore. The entire situation has me so stressed, on top of everything going on at home with my son. Sigh…

I am going way off in this post's wrong direction and purpose. The intent and purpose of this post was to explain why I have been posting less, whether it be blogs or poems. I am not even writing as much as I used to, which is not good because writing is how I get everything out; writing has been my… sh*t, I forget the word, but I think y'all get my drift.

*Another side squirrel moment: I love Grammarly, but holy hell! LOL, it keeps trying to get me to rephrase half of what I am trying to say!

Bottom line, y'all, I need to do better. For me, my kids, and all of you. Y'all have been with me for two years and have been supportive, encouraging, and overall amazing. Y'all deserve better from me. As I navigate my hectic, chaotic, stressful life, please have patience with me. I will be forcing myself to sit at my desk and write every day. I won't guarantee or promise to publish a post every day, but I promise to write every day.

I will end this post with the apology post from 1 February 2024.

I have been all over the place lately, and you all deserve to know why. I will not name-drop or go into extreme detail, but I will give you enough that you should be able to catch on. But first, I want to share the beginning of a blog post that I started on February 1st, titled "Apology."

1 February 2024

I owe all of you an apology. I have been absent for some time and have even stopped writing. I did publish a poem a couple of weeks ago, but that is different. This year, I wanted it to be better. I wanted this year to be about my healing, and maybe it still can be, but it is hard for me to accept that right now. Don't get me wrong, I have healed quite a bit these past six months, but during that healing, I found new wounds that were hidden. Deeper wounds that require more… I can’t think of the word, but I know I have more and different work to do that I did not anticipate.

I want to apologize because I started this blog to heal and share my thoughts, experiences, traumas, and hell life in general… with all of you as I embarked on this journey so that maybe one of you would know that you are not alone. I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain for the past few weeks. My excuse is valid, and I am not taking away from that because it should take up my time and energy, but as my counselor said yesterday, "sitting on the couch crocheting a blanket for your nephew is a great way to relax and just take the time for yourself. But writing is how you heal. Writing is how you let everything out. Writing has been your ultimate "it" for how you found yourself and forgave yourself. Do not take that away from you."

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