It has been a couple of months since I posted anything, and for that, I am truly sorry. As the title of this blog says, I have been so exhausted I really feel like I could just sleep for days. As the dictionary says, exhaustion is "a state of extreme physical or mental fatigue." Yup, that is exactly how I feel right now. Here is the all over the place exhausted feeling blog that I started days ago…
I started this post two days ago and, once again, could not finish it. My counselor thinks that this is my way of my body protecting me; there has just been so much that has happened, and yes, I tell my counselor everything, and we talk about it, but she asked me this question. I couldn’t answer, "We talk about everything; we work through it together, but have you actually dealt with it and fully processed it?" When I responded, "I honestly don’t think I have," she said, "I can only do so much. I can only guide you and give you the tools and help you navigate through it, but you have to be the one to do it." When I told her that I missed R.C., that I missed how he saw me, how he made me feel alive, how he helped me grow, and the conversations we had, she said, "That right there is the big trauma you need to work through. For the first time in a very long time, you had everything you ever wanted, what you have been begging the universe for as long as I've known you. I truly believe that you were meant to find him, that he was only meant to be in your life for a short period to show you that you are worthy of love, that you are good enough, and you deserve to be happy. You know what that feels like now; he did what he was meant to do for you in that short time. Yes, the situation surrounding him leaving was harsh for both of you, but you told me yourself, Miss Liz, it didn’t matter if he was there for the long run or a short time; you were going to enjoy yourself and appreciate and have fun. You're allowed to miss him, you're allowed to miss how he made you feel, how YOU felt, but knowing and feeling that, remember it, embrace it, and let it empower you." Easier said than done…
I will attempt to finish this blog, but I will pick up where I left off.
[The start of 2024 has been rough. It has been a cascade of things after another; honestly, I am exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally, every definition of the word. But I am doing ok. Writing has been placed on the back burner, and not intentionally. I just haven't been able to focus enough on writing or anything. I mentioned to my counselor that maybe I should get tested for ADHD since I am having such a hard time concentrating, and she reminded me that I have been under a tremendous amount of stress these past few months. It's more than likely due to my body being in survival mode. When you sit back and look at it, she is correct.]
[Here we go again, with my mind wondering and jumping around. I've attempted to write several posts over the past few weeks, and all still need to be completed. The thoughts are there, but the ability to focus and shut my mind off to everything else isn't there. Going back and reading my February post (Let's Rant) has refocused some of my anger. My supervisor asked how my son was doing this week, the first time in MONTHS, but no one has asked how I am doing, not the ones who should, at least.] Why do I go back and read my blogs? When my mind squirrels, that’s exactly what I do (when trying to write). When I do that, it either brings all those feelings rushing back, or I am able to say, "I need to give an update because the situation has been corrected or resolved or something." Sometimes, I am able to ask myself how I could have handled that situation differently. That is what happened when I started this post two days ago. (and here we go again, two days later from the other "let's try this again") I love and adore my supervisor, I truly mean that, and since Friday, after a conversation with our supervisor, I've been racking my brain on how to help this situation. I am going to attempt to go out of my way and step so far out of my comfort zone to help her grow and be more confident. I don't exactly know how to do that, but I am going to try. I am the way that I am because of who "raised me" in the Guard, three of the biggest and most influential leaders in the organization (they are also why my name it out there). I really didn’t have a choice but to be an alfa. Most days, I like who I am; other days, not so much, and I mean that in the sense that I know I can be difficult, I know I have a hard head; in certain situations, I don’t like who I am. Does that make sense? (and this is all work talk, not personal-ish? Lol) I teach the way I was taught, and it has taken me a few years to break that habit and try different ways of teaching because not everyone learns the same way. So, how do I help someone grow and be more confident?
Thoughts seem to be flowing this morning, which is putting me in a better mood this morning. My thoughts are also wandering in circles about a new-ish situation I am in. It's not a bad situation by any means; it is fun, it puts the biggest smile on my face, and the friendship that was there has been getting deeper and better since this started. Some days, it helps with my mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion; other days, not so much. I really do not know what to do; I've adjusted my eating habits, I am trying to be more active and close the rings on my watch every day, and I am successful at that. But the exhaustion is overpowering.
I am going to end this here, with incomplete thoughts and chaos (lol) and try to come back to regularly posting, it helps, and I need it. with incomplete thoughts and chaos (lol) and try to come back to regularly posting. It
